Falling or Simply Choosing

I used to believe in Love. I used to believe that no matter what when that right person came along one would drop everything to be with that person. Regardless of whether you had decided you didn't want a relationship in your life at the moment or didn't want to be distracted by love. I used to believe in the power of love; the power of love being stronger than a person's choice. I used to believe in falling in love.

I still believe in love, don't get me wrong. But now I believe in a different kind of a love; a not so knock you on your butt and see shooting stars type of love. I'm now starting to believe in that power of personal choice. You want what you're looking for. Or rather you want what you're wanting. When one decides they want to be single and have live-it-up life for the moment, they could pass up "the one" and not care one bit. The relationships that are out there right now, in my opinion, are products of two people wanting the same thing at the same time. Conventional, yet still substantial, love.

But then why or how does one want what they want(and can we control it)? This I truly can't explain.

When I first moved here I knew what I wanted. I wanted to make a difference in the world, become known for being good at what I do, help people find happiness and self confidence. I wanted to help people see how much equality really does matter. I didn't want anything to get in the way of my future of education and power, especially noting as silly as a relationship. I wanted to be a p-i-m-p. I liked lots of guys, and saw the good in every one of them. I wanted to go out with them but didn't want anything more than holding hands. I told them all I just wanted to be friends and proceeded to "friend-date" 7 or 8 guys at a time. I was really happy. I wanted what I wanted myself to want.

One of those 7 or 8 guys really stuck out, though. He openly told me and everybody we knew that he liked me, but still stuck around for a good 6 months as a friend. He became my best friend. I told him constantly that I didn't want any more than friendship from him, so I don't believe I led him on. I told him many times he really wasn't what I was looking for in a boyfriend even if I did want one. We hung out regularly, he took care of me when I really needed someone, and we had even met each other's parents. Looking back now I can see we had a pseudo or a faux relationship. [It was just like a real relationship except I was allowed to see and flirt with other guys. Also there was no physical anything besides hugging.] Perfect.

One day he kissed me, unexpectedly. I had made it clear all a long I never wanted him to kiss me. I still didn't want him to kiss me… until the moment he did. It was with no doubt in my mind the best kiss I had ever had and it lasted what seemed like an indescribable two hours. I wanted him. I wanted a relationship, with him, the same guy who in my opinion (at the time) was my complete opposite; he was lazy and had completely different political views from mine [I know that sounds small, but for me that was huge, how can we agree on anything if we can't agree on how the world should be run]. All of my wants changed completely. This is my first recollection where I flip flopped from believing in choice to believing in Love.

Unfortunately there is no happily ever after here, hence this blog post about my dismay and my endless analysis on human behavior. I told him how I felt and what I now wanted. He did not want the same anymore. He had spent 6 months watching me flirt and date other guys, the 6 months that I had never been more happy (for more reasons than this) were not so happy for him. He had finally moved on. He wanted to be single and just have fun. Maybe he got it from me, maybe I had inspired him. I was quite the advocate for my lifestyle.

I was really hurt and confused. Truly heartbroken. As embarrassed as I am to admit that a man had this much power over me, I'll be truthful. I had a really hard time eating and sleeping for the next few months. My best girlfriend can attest to this. I spent a good 4-5 months, Months, getting over him and had finally stopped thinking about him every day. I tried furiously after about 2 months to get back on the horse; to go back to my old lifestyle; appreciating guys for their goodness and spending time getting to know them; just plain having fun. I am still trying to. But now I find myself wanting a relationship. I don't want to want one, no not at all. I especially don't want a relationship just for the sake of wanting a relationship. But, now I find myself liking and possibly wanting a relationship with every guy I go out with. There's nothing special in that. Having a relationship with whichever one that says yes? That's not at all what I want myself to want. But it's what I want. A relationship. A separate problem is all these guys now want to be single too, none of them are in the "want" of a relationship. Whatever, I don't blame them.

I used to want to go fabulous places by myself and meet different guys when I get there, and have a scandalous 2 hour love added to the excitement. Now I want to go fabulous places with one person and spend the adventure in and out of their arms finding things to make one other smile.

So, now I have flip flopped once again, to deciding choice is more powerful. What are you in the market for is what you are in the market for, simple as that. So then my next question is; what ignites these changes in wants? Why do I want stability now when I used to think that stability was boring? Possibly, a lack of confidence due to a big rejection followed by some smaller rejections. Now I need something comforting and stable because I don't have the self righteousness I used to have. But then can't I fix that on my own? I know that I am strong enough to build myself back up. It's not a quick process of course. It will take time, but just maybe once I am back on top I will want what I want myself to want, again.