A Lover and a Fighter

I am trying to live my life for more than myself. I have noticed my blog becoming a lot about relationships and my heartbreak, and although I agree that my blog should include how I am dealing and analyzing whatever it may be that I’m going through I don’t think it should be limited to that. I have been reading a lot of other blogs, the ones I like do not include break up stories or really anything about love or relationships. These are blogs mostly of males. I wonder why we women choose to write about our love lives more often. Possibly we’re just more open about that stuff? Or perhaps we just let it affect our hearts more. I believe it’s the way both sexes experience things. Women take things in and let them become a part of themselves. Relationships with people and animals become a part of a woman. Men dive into things, put themselves into relationships but stay whole when they leave. They still feel like themselves. I relate this to the way each gender makes love. It’s also not to say that men aren’t capable of love or heartbreak, that’s not at all what I’m trying to say. But I do believe it’s a different type of love.

I digress. I want my blog to have the amount of respect the blogs I follow and respect have. I am not looking to receive love; I have been loved and am loved by enough people to keep me whole. I am looking to make my life about more. I want to give love, of course. But a relationship in my life right now would be plain distracting to what I want to discover. As in the title of my blog explains I am a lover of people. I do not want to stop loving people or expressing that love. But it’s not a romantic type of love. I want to live my life for myself, I want to be selfish. Please forgive me. It’s not you. You are a beautiful person and capable of amazing love, and you will be loved by a far more special girl than me if you aren’t already. Please understand that it’s nothing against you or anything that has happened between us, it’s simply me just not being in the market for the countless wonderful qualities you have to offer. I want to be your friend and I want to appreciate you from that distance.

So here I go back on the road to life of experience and discovery. I was here once before but got distracted. I will be blindsided no more. I welcome happiness in my life. I am a fighter and will continue to fight the urge of temptation in order find my Daesin. I will fight for what I want and what I believe in.

Peace and love especially to you,
Mmber

Authentic and Inauthentic Existence

My favorite class I am taking this semester is 20^th Century Philosophy. I would like to share something I believe to be amazingly profound, raw, true, and something that is currently hitting very close to home. It's one of Heidegger's many theories.

    First I will present the facts. According to Heidegger not only is man "thrown into the world" without asking to be there, but he must constantly become his true self by making appropriate decisions. Along the way, man experiences a "falleness," a loss of his "authentic" character.

    Falleness points to the universal tendency of man to lose himself in his present preoccupations and concerns, alienating himself from his unique and personal future possibilities. He thus becomes a reduced self.

    The falleness of human being receives its most obvious expression in the activities of gossip, mere curiosity and ambiguity. Gossip, for example, is an authentic modification of speech which simply repeats the accepted, everyday, conventional, and shallow interpretations of the public.

    His authentic existence requires that he recognize and affirm his own unique self with his responsibility for his every action.

    A person's drift into inauthentic existence is subtle but in every case it involves a tendency to escape from one's self by finding refuge in a public self, in an impersonal identity, the impersonal "one" in contrast to the concrete "I." The inauthentic person behaves as "one" is expected to instead of as "I" ought to. He reads and judges music, art, and literature as "one" is expected to; in public he suppresses any urge to be unique, to excel.

    The inauthentic man levels himself downward toward an averageness and behaves like the average "everyman." But a person cannot, according to Heidegger, indefinitely avoid confronting his true self. (Then there's some stuff about anxiety then being what comes next in a "falleness" and how it is not a psychological state but rather a mode of being. Anxiety is not fear for fear is attatched to an object such as a snake or an enemy where as Anxiety reveals the presence of "nothingness" in our being. This could be a whole other blog in itself, and it might be, so I'll continue with the "falleness."

    When a person affirms his authentic self, when he sees transparently what and who he is, he discovers that in his inauthentic existence he has been trying to do the impossible, namely, to hid the fact of his limitations and his essential temporality(like temporality on earth, we know we will not live forever).

How this old white man, this philosopher, this scholar knows so much about the petty shallow life we, or at least I, try to combat everyday baffles me. But all that aside, it's very true. I have always felt a need a want a desire to live for more than just myself, but for the past year haven't been. I have been living in a "falleness." Now I can see what I saw before my falleness, and that is others living in their falleness. It is so apparent and scary because I think some people don't escape their falleness their entire high school or college career. I think it's possible others never escape and find their authentic self. But in a society like ours, it's difficult and almost impossible to live for something more. I am racking my brain for examples, if you have any please share. But this world, our society definitely incourages an inauthentic self and a group mentality. They encourage us to all behave as "one" because that is not threatening, or scary. Please help us, help me, help each other not to be tempted to live as or be limited by the collective and average "everyman." Find your truth, find your authentic character as I search desperately for mine as well.

I love some good funny

Season Finale of SNL host Will Ferrell

That's fine.

You used to want me but you don't anymore, and that's fine.
You used to hug me but you don't anymore, and that's fine.
You used to hold me but you don't anymore, and that's fine.
You used to love me but you don't anymore, and that's fine.
I used to hate you, but I don't anymore. and That's fine.

Stand by...

i am realizing how superficial and self oriented my blog has become. i am realizing something tonight. that my life is becoming my life about me and that's not what i wanted for it. that's not what i am here for. i would like to move to rome or florence or greece or all three sometime soon. study there. alone. find and learn things i am forgetting. my mind and perspective is deteriorating on a daily basis here. stand by for less about me and more about life.

p.s. i realized most of this after watching Angels and Demons tonight. I enjoyed it. How easily I am affected by movies. Silly? Probably

Plastic Island

Here's to making my blog about more important things. Learned about this in class the other day. Truly mind blowing and awful. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnUjTHB1lvM

James Dean

Is one of my many inspirations, as an actor he was flawless. My friend Justin Baker was kind enough to set up a photo shoot in dedication to him, here are some of the shots. Let me know whata ya think.

P.S. I do not smoke or condone the act.